I’m planning for my death.

I know that is an unusual statement to make, but it’s true. In and outside the cancer world subjects about metastatic issues can be uncomfortable. In many circles, they’re just downright avoided. Just the mention of death has the implication of defeat.

I’m fighting for my life every day and have no intention of checking out soon. Right now, my treatment is working, I haven’t exhausted all forms of treatment yet, and I’m feeling pretty good. But being realistic and logical comforts me.

Realistically, there are limits in living a life with metastatic breast cancer. It’s not uncommon for things to change in a blink of an eye. That holds true for anyone’s life. In my case, I just have a glimpse of how things might end for me.

I don’t think I’m wrong when I say that, in the breast cancer community, we don’t talk enough about death and what we can do to guide our families in those last days and after we die. Living wills and estate planning are rarely brought into cancer conversations, and it seems like people don’t really think about it until they’re on their last leg. To compound the problem, access to attorneys is one of the many issues that plague people of color who have breast cancer.

When I thought about who might help shed light on this topic, I reached out to the best person I knew, my friend Dan Riley. I’ve known Dan for a while now, and not only is he an accomplished attorney, he is also an ally (what FTBOU calls an “Accomplice”) and outspoken about issues facing women/women of color. He practices family law in Arizona, and he is maybe one of the kindest people I know. Naturally, he was the perfect person to provide insight into living wills and estate planning.

This is what Dan had to say:

I’ve been having conversations with people about end-of-life decisions for twelve years now in my role as an attorney. One thing that always amazes me is that so many of my clients start our conversation by saying, “If I die, here is what I want to happen…”

There is no if about it.

At some point, each of us faces our own departure from the land of the living. Most of us don’t get to choose the date of that departure, but as with any travel, it helps to have a plan before you leave. That’s essentially what estate planning is all about. As an itinerary, it’s a set of instructions that tells people where to go and what to do.

Estate planning has three goals:

Goal #1:To Make Sure Your Wishes Are Honored if You’re Incapacitated

What happens if you are incapacitated and unable to communicate your wishes?

Who is allowed to step in and decide what medical treatment you should receive?

Who is allowed to write checks from your bank account to pay your bills?

Without estate planning documents, this is a complicated problem that will likely require your family to hire an attorney. Luckily, that expense can be avoided with two simple documents: A financial power of attorney, and a medical power of attorney. The former grants someone the right to access your bank accounts in order to pay your bills for you. The latter grants someone the right to make your medical decisions for you. The person you choose to make your decisions for you is called your attorney-in-fact. You can always name a back-up if your first choice is unable or unwilling to fulfill that role.

Although it’s not necessary, most people name the same person as their attorney-in-fact on both documents. What I tell my clients is that the person you choose should be honest and trustworthy. After all, this is someone who is going to have access to your bank accounts while you’re incapacitated! It also helps if the person is local. That way, they can speak to your doctors face-to-face, and they can visit your bank in person. People often forget that even massive international banks do not have branches in every state.
Laws regarding powers of attorney vary slightly from state-to-state, so, unfortunately, there is no single form that will work for everyone. Many states do offer free forms online through their Office of the Attorney General, so that would be a good place to start if you want to avoid the expense of seeing an attorney.

Power of Attorney forms: https://powerofattorney.com/durable/
Medical Power of Attorney forms: https://powerofattorney.com/medical-power-attorney/

Goal #2: To Give Your Loved One’s Peace of Mind

I have a good friend who had to make the decision to remove life support from her mother. Even though she knew logically that it was the right decision and that it was what her mom would have wanted, the decision still haunts her. What makes her situation even sadder is that my friend didn’t need to be put in that position. If her mother simply had a living will, the decision would have already been made for her.

A living will is a document that gives end-of-life instructions to the individual you’ve named your attorney-in-fact on your medical power of attorney. I am a firm believer that it is an act of love to tell your loved ones the precise conditions under which you would want life support to be maintained or removed. It takes the agonizing decision out of their hands and spares them the very feelings of guilt that my friend suffers to this day.

Living Will: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/free-printable-advance-directives/

NOTE FROM NATALIA: Your hospital or doctor might use “advanced directive” instead of “living will,” which in this context is the same thing.

Goal #3: To Transfer Your Assets in an Orderly Way and Avoid Family Conflict

When I was a kid, one of my family members died without a will. After the funeral service, it was a free-for-all at his house, with everyone grabbing anything of value and running to their cars. Over twenty years later, there are still members of the family who won’t speak to one another over it.

Every family has a story like that, and the shame of it is that it doesn’t have to be that way. A will allows you to decide who will receive what from your estate, but perhaps even more importantly, it helps minimize conflict among your family members. Most attorneys will charge a flat-rate for a will, so you can expect to spend about $150 – $600 depending on the complexity of your estate and whether there are other documents that will need to be prepared along with the will, like powers of attorney, a living will, a beneficiary deed, etc.

Most of your property is likely considered a “non-probate asset.” A non-probate asset is one that can be passed to another person without a will. This includes bank accounts, retirement accounts, and—if you have a beneficiary deed—your home.

Most people are under the impression that a living trust is somehow better than a will. Most of the time, it’s not. Most of the people who come to me asking for a living trust end up leaving my office with a will.

Attorneys typically charge significantly more to prepare a living trust than a will. The distinction between the two is complicated, and you should beware of any attorney who tries to convince you to get a living trust without explaining why a living trust makes more sense than a will for your situation.

Once you have your estate planning documents, there’s always a question about what you should do with them. I always tell my clients to put their will somewhere that is secure but not hidden. There’s no point in preparing an estate plan if no one can find it! Wherever you decide to keep it, make sure your executor and power of attorney know where to find it.

It’s my hope, that these guidelines have provided resources and a better understanding of estate planning. The reality is that we won’t be around forever. I believe that planning for the end of life is both responsible and a lasting gift to our loved ones. Proper estate planning helps your family avoid guessing what you want at the end and relieves them from making impossible decisions.

Special thank you to Dan Riley from Curry, Pearson, and Wooten, LLC for taking time to explain the basics of estate planning.

If anyone is looking into estate planning or wants more info about Dan, you can check him out here.