“You are so beautiful to me…” words that I sing on a regular as I look in my full-length mirror at myself. This time two years ago, I did not think I was beautiful. Yes, on social media I would post pictures all filtered up, using words to encourage others, all while I was emotionally and mentally withering away inside. I did it so no one could see the discoloration of my skin, the acne spots, my missing eyebrows, the barely there fuzz on my shiny bald head. And let us not get into what was under the clothes. The place where I was once proud of (sis was stacked 38,34,36), but now I hid in shame.

The place where a once free and liberated me reigned now housed a shell of a woman with one breast slightly normal, the other side mangled, scarred from where cancer invaded my body and began to protrude through my skin.

I would often sit, crying, and wondering how did I get here? I was once the poster child for confidence. I lived it, I walked it, I breathed it. What happened? When I really thought about it, I was NEVER it. Meaning, it was never inside of me. I was an actress portraying a character in my life’s story.

One day after coming home from chemo, I stood in the mirror. As I removed my makeup and wig, I made eye contact with myself, something I had not done in a long time. (I had gotten used to walking around with my reflection being a ghost.) And before I knew it, streams of tears were rolling down my face.

So, what do you do when something or someone is lost? You find it, and I did just that. For an entire year I went on a mission I called, Single, Sexy and Diagnosed.

The first thing I did was allow myself to grieve ME. I came to grips that I was not the old Eboney, but I was emerging into a different version of my former self in all areas.

During this first phase, I journaled and created affirmation cards.

• Journaling – when I journaled, I made sure to be honest in my writing. I would write about how I felt, my experiences during chemo and with people, and how the changes I saw within emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
• Affirmation cards- I started with ten. On those I put the phrases and words I needed the most. After those were ingrained in my spirit, I did ten more and at the end of the journey I had a total of thirty. I then sporadically placed them throughout out my house. So, no matter where I was, I had a reminder of how smart and beautiful I am.

The next phase was mapping out how I viewed myself internally and externally. I created and printed out the frame of a body (like the body that comes with the game Operation). Inside, I used pink.  Pink represents love, kindness, femininity, and all the things I needed to be to myself. Then I wrote what I wanted to see happen on the inside like being healed from cancer, a fully forgiving heart, memory fully restored, etc. On the outside in blue (blue representing healing and life) I wrote how I wanted to see myself when I looked in the mirror. Once I completed that, I researched how to achieve each goal on another sheet of paper, and I went to work completing them, the first being hiring a therapist.

The third and final phase was taking time daily to look at every inch of my body, unclothed, and say something positive about each part. At first, it was hard. And yes, I cried, but I was determined to press through and conquer, even through the tears. And last July, for the first time in 2.5 years, I went to the beach in a TWO PIECE AND TOOK OFF MY SWIMSUIT COVER!! It was the first time in a long time also that I cried tears of happiness.

Do I have moments where I shy away and do not feel completely comfortable? Of course. But every day, with my feet planted firmly on this road called healing, I find a reason to love this new me, mind, body, and soul!!