Tuesday, I had an appointment with a dermatologist that specializes in post-chemo skin, nails, and hair treatment. She used a special light and a hair follicle tool to get a good look at my hair, which she agrees is growing in nice and healthy and my skin is glowing , too — her words not mine.

Then, we move to the nails.

As you may know, chemotherapy does a number on your nails as they can appear brittle and discolored. Mine are discolored but I wear nail polish (totally approved by the doctor) so I don’t see the impacts daily.

During my last home manicure/pedicure, I noticed that the underside of my nails was starting to look at little weird. Excess skin on some and gaps on others. Well, Dr. Rachel diagnosed me with onycholysis. It’s a condition where the nail detaches from the nail bed. And in some cases, the nail comes off completely before it grows back.

After I had time to sit with the diagnosis, I broke down. I mean boohoo’ed. And I could not understand why I was breaking down.

Seriously.

They are nails and they grow back. The same medicine that cured me caused this.

Could I be happy about the cure and spazzing out about the side effect?

So, I dug deep to try to understand what I was feeling. I gave myself another one of my famous pep talks while I was chopping veggies for dinner. After a 10-minute discussion with myself, I came to this conclusion: I told my therapist that I am not interested in going back to the old Tova.

The Tova before cancer.

Instead, I am loading a new Tova … Tova 2.0 if you will.

But what I’ve come to realize is that I was only interested in “being” Tova 2.0 and not “becoming” Tova 2.0.

There is a distinct difference between the two.

In “being” Tova 2.0, I’ve already arrived and moved on to life’s next journey. In “becoming” Tova 2.0, I still have to go through some things.

I want to reinstate my physical and mental strength, lose weight, and apparently, lose a few layers of ego also. All of those things happen on the way to Tova 2.0.

Maybe I’m on version 1.4 as I type this?

I’m human and imperfect and some parts of me are shallow. The part that forced me to tears at the thought of temporarily losing a few fingernails when the trade-off was saving my life is shallow. And I’m ok with that. But I needed to understand WHY I was reacting the way I did so I could move forward.

But now that I know why, I also know that I need to go through. Stamina is built while going through. Endurance and character are built while going through. Without beta testing, I can’t get to Tova 2.0.

So for now, I will listen to the sound advice from Shonta and enjoy the right now without worrying about what may or may not happen to my fingernails. As a good friend Kate told me yesterday, “it’s all dead anyway.” Instead of worrying about that, I will focus on the part of me that’s alive.

I love the person I’ve become because I fought to become her.
— Anonymous