After being diagnosed with Stage 3 IDC TNBC, I relied on my village to help me through my journey. Years of independence were not easy to shed, but I knew that I wasn’t meant to go through my trial alone. My family has always been there to support my life’s adventures and this was no different. Here are their perspectives:

My Mom, Hattie Scott:

My initial thoughts when you told me about your diagnosis were to wait until I got off the phone to release my disbelief, anger, and pain so as not to negatively impact you. At least I tried, but then I prayed, and I knew then it was okay to cry, to ask God to be with you, and to give me strength to not falter during your healing.

I balance providing mental and physical support to my daughter by listening or just sitting and allowing the air to take up space when no communication is needed. Being available and making my loved one to be comfortable by eliminating tangible activities such as cooking and cleaning and helping with my grandchildren. I balanced it with my presence and being close enough to witness a smile or hear her laugh even though I could never fathom her pain.

In my situation with my loved one, I don’t think being a caretaker redefined our relationship, more so it reinforced it. The ability to see your loved one in a vulnerable state health-wise and still see their strengths lets me know that even though this journey was for her, her village had to journey alongside her to learn our own lessons.

I would tell other caregivers to take care of themselves. Even though the situation may be something you have never experienced, you are capable of doing the job only if you take care of yourself. That could mean, as in my daughter’s situation, having several caretakers, if possible. If the family isn’t available, utilize your village. A village doesn’t stop at the family line. Search out for extra help and then use it.

Making time for stress-free activities and maintaining a healthy outlook are also vital to being able to support your loved one. This doesn’t mean you can’t be sad or mad, or even angry. I was all of these at various times of her care. If needed, seek help for your mental health, I did and still do; but above all take time for your spirituality, whatever form that may be. Find something to soothe your soul when you think you can’t make another day. Read, meditate, practice mindfulness, sing, run, walk, and most of all, laugh.

My Auntie, Ruth Singleton:

My first thoughts when I found about Tova’s diagnosis were disbelief, shock, and empathy. My final thought was God is in control. In my own way, I provided mental support by showing my BFF that she was loved, cared for, and heard. I provided physical support by letting her continue to do small chores around the house if she was capable.

The most challenging part, for me, about being a caregiver is when my loved one wanted to still be independent when I knew she needed help. I prayed for patience in those times because it was what she needed. In becoming her caregiver, our relationship was redefined as I became a better communicator and was able to build a great amount of trust with her in this way.

My advice for other caregivers is to listen very well, be engaged in what concerns your loved ones, and make sure you take time to enjoy yourself. I practice self-care by meditating on bible scriptures each morning, socializing, walking, and event planning.

My Cousin and BFF, Shonta Singleton:

When I found out about her diagnosis, I was shocked and in disbelief. I had a difficult time accepting my loved one was sick. However, in order to take care of her, I knew I had to take care of myself. To do that, I focused on maintaining my physical, mental, and emotional well-being by doing things that would bring me joy and peace.

The most challenging part of being a caretaker was seeing somebody I loved very ill. But the act of being her caretaker actually brought me closer to her. It allowed me to see her and myself from a different perspective. We are all humans with vulnerabilities and we all need support We also need to recognize it’s okay to accept help.

For anyone who is or will become a caretaker, know this: taking care of yourself will allow you to fully take care of your loved one. Make time to do activities that will keep you grounded. I practiced self-care by incorporating a daily/weekly ritual that brings me peace of mind. For me, it was praying, meditating, doing yoga, dancing, and watching a funny show or movie.