I remember years ago being told in families it’s common to either have a history of heart problems or cancer. To my knowledge, it was just heart problems in my family’s case, but over a decade later, I would learn we won the lotto and had both cancer and heart problems looming in my family tree — you know we won yet another genetic lottery.

In 2017, my maternal aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer and then in early 2018, my mom followed suit. The one thing they shared that I later discovered I shared as well was a BRCA1 gene mutation.

When I found out I shared the gene mutation with these two brave women, I panicked! I knew this is why they had gotten cancer and I never wanted that to be in my story, but I found myself conflicted. I found myself struggling with where this gene mutation fit in my journey.

What would I choose?

What should I do?

If I did nothing or something, would I get cancer no matter what?

I worried endlessly and the concept of cancer plagued my life, but I had a hard time having a conversation with family or even in groups that I participated in.

I wanted to talk about it; I wanted to cry about it. I just couldn’t. I felt like a part of me that I never knew existed was taking over my life and I had nowhere and no one to turn to.

I see on Instagram and Facebook all of these women being proud “previvors,” but I have always struggled with the concept. In a world where most people feel like they need an award for everything and labels are everywhere, I knew that this wasn’t a club I wanted to be in and it wasn’t due to shame, but instead I didn’t want to compete or have anyone feel like I was trying to.

I’ve spent twenty-nine years being compared to other women due to height, weight, hair and anything else anyone could think of. I also have struggled with so many other aspects of my life such as being mixed, I never was black enough, white enough, Latina enough…I struggled with being enough!

I never wanted to compare my experience to survivors to make them feel like I was making my loss seem equal to or more than theirs because I know even though we may share the gene mutation or have all had a mastectomy, I did not have cancer. I did not have to go through all they did to be a true bad ass.

What I experienced may have been similar to their experience, but I didn’t even want to discuss it with a survivor because I worried that I would offend. That my loss would be told once again that it wasn’t enough.

I know my loss is different, I know my journey has been different, this whole process has made me different. I am still learning to love my new body and want to cry at times for what I have lost as I have learned is another thing I have in common with both previvors and survivors. I have also learned we have a unique sense of self-worth and strength that others do not.

No, our strength is not the same because survivors fought a battle and won, they are the Amazons of Themyscira (the land where Wonder Woman is from – in case you missed the reference) fearless and beautiful. Previvors are Hiro Nakamura (of the show “Heroes”), able to see the future and doing their best to change it.

I have grown to realize that labels such as previvor and survivor are badges of honor that should be worn as such. We may not have the same journey and even though previvors sometimes become survivors due to the draw of the cards, if you are reading this at any point in your journey just know: you are a bad ass, you are amazing, you are worthy and I am rooting for you!

The road may be long.

It may be bumpy, and have twists and turns, and ups and downs.

Just know that you are not traveling this road alone!

Get up every morning and tell yourself you can do this!

Just keep moving forward!