I was a late bloomer. In elementary, when other girls were showing off their bumps and wearing training bras, I had a flat chest. I begged my mom for a bra, and she bought me an Underoos tank top instead. When my breasts finally came in, I felt like they stopped short. I was an “A” cup throughout my teens and early 20s. I didn’t go up a size until I got pregnant with my son. I loved being a solid B cup. I loved how I could use a push-up bra and look like I had real cleavage. And I enjoyed showing off that cleavage.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2020, I planned to have reconstruction surgery.
Based on what I had seen in movies and TV, I thought I could choose my next breasts and that they would be perfect! That is far from reality, and I soon learned that.
I had a single mastectomy with delayed reconstruction. After three surgeries, 16 rounds of chemo, and 25 rounds of radiation, I was finally ready to meet with the plastic surgeons to discuss reconstruction. The reality of diep flat reconstruction and the possible additional surgeries, the percentage of failure, possible complications, etc. made me rethink my decision. After discussing with family and reflecting on what I truly wanted, I opted for a prophylactic mastectomy on my remaining breast and made my decision to stay flat.
I’ve been living flat for over a year now. The physical adjustments versus the emotional adjustments sway back and forth like a pendulum. I’m happy most days and I don’t even think about it.
Being flat is who I am, and I don’t have regrets about my decision. I’m alive, I’m healthy, and want to spend my time living life and not being sad about what I don’t have.
When I was first flat, I hid behind scarves and ruffled or printed tops. I noticed I slouched. When I was sitting, I’d cover my chest with my arms. I carried things like my purse in front of me to camouflage my flat chest. I didn’t wear fitted t-shirts because you could see the tiny bumps from my scars. Now I’m shedding those layers.
I enjoy finding clothes that fit my new body. I enjoy wearing tops that I normally would have struggled with because I didn’t like bra straps showing. Not only that, I love showing off my shoulders and shimmying, because who doesn’t love a good shimmy? I love tank tops and I frequently think—here I am, back in Underoos. And when I head out the door, I tell myself, shoulders back, head up.
Sometimes, I miss my old body.
When I see an old photo pop up in my memories and I see my cleavage, I have a twinge of sadness. I also struggle with “firsts”—the first time I had to present in front of a group. The first time going to a conference with people I haven’t seen since before cancer. The first time I had to wear a formal dress for a gala. The first time I went to the beach. I usually have to take time before those events and meditate or medicate.
Every day is getting easier. I have found a flat community of survivors that keeps me happy. When I see them sporting a new outfit, or out living their best life, I am inspired. I want to be that inspiration for others, and I am working on that.
When I sit and think about my life, living flat has been easier than I feared it would be. I am happy. I know this was the right choice for me.
I’m not just flat, but I’m fierce, fabulous, and flat!
2 Responses
Thank you for your vulnerability. I too had a mastectomy in Sept 2020 and am weighing the pros and cons of reconstruction. It is challenging at times and when you said the pendulum sways one way and then the other, I thought here is someone who I can relate to. I am thankful for your story.
It is amazing to me that you were able to shed your clothing “layers” after just a year. I think I used those layers to hide the “new normal” flat me for two or three years after my body altering cancer treatment nine years ago. Thank you for sharing your story.