How do you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for losing your breasts?

How do you say goodbye to your boobs?

It’s been a year and a half since my bi-lateral mastectomy.

In the weeks leading up to surgery, my emotions ran high and with two weeks to go, everything was in overdrive.

My feelings changed, grew and morphed into something I couldn’t explain. Maybe I wondered if I would be able to explain my feelings later.

I knew this was an experience that would take a lot of time, patience, and self-reflection to accept, heal and move forward.

I found myself lingering in front of the mirror after getting out of the shower, trying to imagine myself without them. I loved my boobs. They had served me well throughout my life and were the part of myself that I didn’t have qualms about.

I struggled with excess weight that always made me feel self-conscious about how I looked, but I could always count on my boobs to boost my confidence.

I feared when I came home from the hospital I would completely lose it, but was surprised I wasn’t as emotional about it as I thought.  I was more focused on physical healing. 

Then treatment didn’t go as planned. I had an additional surgery that deformed my left breast, and radiation led to severe burns and discoloration.

Seven weeks out from DIEP flap reconstruction and I have been dealing with delayed healing on my left breast. I was deformed after the mastectomy, but I was confident that everything would be better after reconstruction. 

It’s been more difficult than I anticipated. My breasts are larger than I want them to be, my scars and skin color are different on each breast and there’s the gaping hole that’s taking its time to heal.

And boy do I miss my nipples!

I miss feeling the touch of my husband and the added sensations during intercourse but I miss them more for myself than I do for him.

I haven’t felt very sexy or sexual and have been secretly freaking out that I have lost something permanent.

I know time and patience will heal my wounds, but knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it all better right now.

I also know that I am not just the sum of my body parts and that my femininity isn’t defined by my breasts, but they were a huge loss that my 36-year-old body wasn’t ready to give up. And one that my now 38-year-old body is still trying to love and accept.