New Year’s Day 2017, I woke up knowing that this year would be my year. I had plans and dreams and this was the year I would jump out on faith and make them come true. I would open up my cake shop (which had been a dream for over ten years) and I’d leave my full-time job.

YES! I was ready.

On April 8, I did it; I opened my cake shop. My usual eight hour workday became a twenty-plus hour workday. Most nights, I got less than three hours of sleep, and I had time for nothing extra. But I was happy and excited. The shop was stressful, but successful. My job was stressful and I was ready to leave.

I am a natural overthinker, so I had been thinking about whether or not to leave my job for more than a couple of months. And in August, I decided to take the plunge. I put in my letter of resignation, giving my employer five weeks notice.

I was elated! I couldn’t wait to be able to give my all to the shop. A few days later, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and while walking through my dark hallway, I placed my finger directly on a lump. The lump was in my breast, but up high, closer to my clavicle. I thought nothing of it and went back to bed.

A couple of days later, the lump was still there and sore. But my arm was also sore, so I figured that I had pulled a muscle. I showed the lump to a few of my employees and they were alarmed. They continued to tell me that I needed to go to the doctor.

I called my mother and told her about the lump and let her know that I was coming home to go to the doctor.

My appointment was for the following Monday, so my boyfriend and I decided that we’d leave that Saturday and comeback on Tuesday. I still didn’t think that the lump was anything more than a pulled muscle.

My mother accompanied me to my appointment. My primary care doctor, Dr. Y, took one look at the lump and set me up for a mammogram the next day. I wasn’t alarmed; I really thought that everyone was making a big deal out of nothing. After all, I had made a pact with my body – I take care of you and you take care of me.

We had already gone through this cancer thing before (when I was 19, I was diagnosed with stage III Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) and after two excruciating years of chemo and radiation, my body and I were on the same page. I eat right, I exercise and my body’s only job was to stay healthy.

My mother accompanied me to my mammogram appointment. I became alarmed when the technician kept leaving the room to “speak to the doctor.” I was even more alarmed when she asked if I had someone accompanying me and that she would go to get my mom and I could get dressed.

They took us into another room where the doctor broke the news, “I am 99% sure that it’s cancer. You still need to have a biopsy, but without one, I’m sure that it’s cancer.”

I WAS SHOCKED!

I cried and laughed at the same time, while I texted my boyfriend to tell him the news. My mother reached over, took my hand and said, “Angela, we will get through this.”

After tests, biopsies, and everything else, on August 23, 2017, I was diagnosed with stage IIIB, triple negative, invasive ductal carcinoma, grade III. The cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. I had a bilateral mastectomy and 12 lymph nodes removed — six had cancer. I went through eight rounds of chemo and I spent thirty-two consecutive days in the hospital. But on April 9, 2018, I was declared CANCER FREE!!!

I reopened my cake shop, only to discover that I was no longer the Angela that I was before. I didn’t have the stamina, I didn’t have that “push yourself” ability that I’d once had and my hands didn’t operate the way they once did. Neuropathy rendered me unable to write on a cake. I couldn’t stand for long periods of time; it just wasn’t the same. My dream for over ten years, had finally become a reality and for the second time, cancer was taking it away from me.

I realized that on the days my shop was closed, I could barely get myself off of the couch. It became difficult for me to do simple things like clean my house or even get up to shower. I watched more Netflix movies in a week then I had for the past five years I had been paying for the Netflix subscription. I recognized that I wasn’t myself, I was depressed. I called my insurance company and found a therapist. My therapist and doctor put me on Zoloft and I started counseling.

One morning in January 2019, I suddenly awoke. Not sure why or what woke me up, but I for some reason put my hand under my left arm and felt a lump.  NOOOOO, not again I thought. I went to the doctor, had a biopsy AND… on February 14, 2019, I got the call that the cancer was back – the same exact cancer that I had before, had reared it’s nasty head AGAIN.

This time, there were problems. Because I had cancer three times prior, I’d ran my course of chemo drugs and definitely couldn’t have any more radiation. I didn’t know the drugs that treat Hodgkin’s are pretty much the same drugs that treat breast cancer. These drugs, if too much is taken, can cause cardiac toxicity. And it seems that I had the maximum allowed.

The doctors wanted to do surgery to remove the tumor(s) and just monitor me. I, on the other hand, didn’t see the point in removing the tumor if, as they told me, the chances of the cancer rapidly returning was so high.

The surgery entailed removing the rest of my lymph nodes (I’d definitely have lymphedema), some of my muscle (I’d have even more problems with mobility), and doing FLAP surgery – taking skin and muscle from my back to cover up the incision under my arm. I just couldn’t see going through all of that, when they were basically telling me that I was going to eventually die from cancer. I wanted to just live my life with the mobility that I currently had until I couldn’t live anymore.

My doctors took my case to several tumor boards, I spoke to doctors in Philadelphia and Chicago and after a lot of back and forth, we came up with a plan. I am currently taking two medications that are used for triple negative breast cancer that has already metastasized (even though mine is labeled a local recurrence) and I have also been approved to have proton therapy once chemo is finished.

I had the surgery and yesterday was my second round of chemo. The chemo is kicking my butt and depression is lingering around, waiting for each weak moment I have to take over my mind. I have been continuing therapy and my meds.

Some days it’s easy and other days, extremely hard. I try to live by MY own decree – I will only do things that make me happy. So every day, I find something, even if it’s as small as taking my dog to the park, one little thing that makes me happy. I journal, I started an online blog and I’m in search of another passion, since I no longer do cakes. I am working daily to stay positive and kick cancer’s butt one final time.