Recently, my husband and I had the pleasure of being guests on Baddies Talk Back to chat about his experience as a caregiver. It was such a great conversation and really gave us a chance to reflect on how far we’ve come as a couple and how strong our breast cancer journey has made our relationship.

Baddies Talk Back was the first time that we’ve publicly talked about the ways cancer affected our relationship. It wasn’t until last year that we took a serious deep dive into what that journey looked like and how to continue navigating things on the other side of a diagnosis. Last year, my husband and I spoke with a therapist, and it was such an illuminating experience for us both and I believe that it allowed us to be able to share our journey publicly with vulnerability and transparency.

Keeping Love Intact During a Breast Cancer Journey

I was diagnosed at the age of 28. At the time of my diagnosis, my husband and I had only been dating a little over a year. There is nothing that could have prepared us for a cancer diagnosis. We went from figuring out what the future had in store to being forced to deal with the realities of our “right now.”

I thought the beginning of my cancer treatment would mark the end of our relationship. There was so much uncertainty. As I look back on that time in our journey there are a lot of things that I learned about myself and about us during that season. There were a lot of defining moments that took place during that time and many of the lessons learned carry us through as husband and wife.

Here are our top lessons learned and advice for other couples who are navigating patient-caregiver roles in their relationship.

As a patient:

• Don’t assume you are going to be a burden to your partner—I automatically assumed my diagnosis was going to be too much for him to handle without first giving him an opportunity to be there. I made a decision for him without having a conversation first. We later talked about how my assumption hurt him and made him feel as though I didn’t trust him to stick around when things got hard.

• Give your partner some grace—Sometimes as the patient, we forget that our loved ones even though not experiencing the physical battle of breast cancer, are going through the journey with us. We have to extend grace and realize that they are processing and going through this as well.

• Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need—One of the hardest things for me to do was admit when I needed help. I had always been very independent, and it was hard for me to express myself to him when I needed him to step in. As my partner, I didn’t realize how much it helped him to know that he was needed.

As a caregiver:

• Pay attention to your partner — Initially, I made assumptions about what I thought she wanted and needed me to do to support her during treatment, but when I really just started paying attention it made it easier for the both of us. I tried to be intentional about doing things like sitting her medicine and water on the nightstand, making things accessible and making sure the kids were taken care of, adjusting pillows, etc.

• Get a support system — Many times people don’t think about the fact that the support needs support. I was able to find people who offered me support and prayed for us and with us as a couple. It’s important to have people in your corner who will speak life and keep you positive.

• Be patient — Patience is key in any relationship, but especially when you have become your partner’s caregiver. There will be times that your partner will be extremely tired or frustrated and you have to manage both their feelings and your own. It’s also important to realize that once treatment ends, it still takes time for you both to figure out what your new normal will look like and how to navigate life after treatment.

For both:

Remember that support looks different for everyone and during cancer treatment, support will look different from day to day. Find ways to stay connected to each other and celebrate all the wins along the way. We’ve found that overcoming this challenge always seems to bring us back and put things in perspective when we face challenges now. We can always reflect on this time as something that we fought through together and came out on the other side stronger.