We’ve all heard about those first-time parents sending their kids to kindergarten.

Every year, parents struggle to hold back tears as they drop off their children for their first day of kindergarten. Teachers watch as parents linger around the classroom just in case they need to comfort their child.

The truth is, it’s harder for us parents than it is for the kids, but what about the moms who have survived breast cancer?

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2015 when I was 14 weeks pregnant.

I used to call him my little chemo buddy. Yes, we received chemotherapy while he was still in the womb. But even though I had an entire medical team that made sure my baby and I were ok, I would still lay awake at night crying myself to sleep and praying for a healthy baby.

It was a dark time in my life and I don’t ever talk about it, not even to my husband.

Back then my prayers sounded like this, “God, I don’t care what happens to me after this. I just want to deliver a healthy baby. If you want to take me after that, You can, but please just let me have my baby. I want to give him a chance to live and after that, I don’t care what happens to me.”

That last part was a lie. I didn’t want to die! But I would do it if it meant my child would live.

“Please God, I want to live to see my son grow up. Lord, please heal me and protect my baby from chemotherapy. Keep him safe and healthy and heal me so I can watch him grow up. I want to celebrate his first birthday, take him to his first day of school, see him graduate high school and college, dance with him at his wedding, and hold my first grandbaby.” 

This was my daily prayer up until I gave birth to him.

Then, as time went on, my prayers started to change, but when these milestones finally do come, I can’t help but think about the scared pregnant mama I once was.

It makes me sad.

I feel so sorry for myself, but I’m also filled with gratitude because these sweet moments are literally answered prayers.

A cancer diagnosis definitely puts your mortality in perspective and I believe any mama diagnosed with cancer feels the same as me, no matter if they were diagnosed at pregnancy or not. Or how old their kids were when they were diagnosed.

Milestones are so exciting as a parent, but for a breast cancer mama, they come with a lot of emotional baggage. Here is a quick summary of the emotions I went through:

Anger

I know this is a happy time, but it’s complicated. Cancer robbed me of this rite of passage that every parent goes through, but here I am, crying over a cancer diagnosis that happened six years ago. Get over it! I’ve given cancer enough of my tears. It doesn’t deserve more. I hate that I have moments of PTSD. I don’t want to feel this or think about it. It’s supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our lives! 

Guilt

How dare I make this day about me? I’m so selfish. This shouldn’t be about me, it’s about my son. Great, now I’m a bad mom. 

Anger and frustration.  

You know what? Now, I’m mad at the normal moms! The ones who are healthy and haven’t had to face their own mortality. They have no idea how lucky they are. How good they have it. It’s so not fair. They should be comforting me! I’m the one who literally had to think about giving up my own life for my baby. So no, I don’t feel sorry or have empathy for you. 

More Guilt

I shouldn’t have these thoughts. These other moms don’t know me or my story. It isn’t fair I make assumptions about them either. After all, at least I’m alive to take him to school.

Survivor Guilt

What about all my friends who have died from breast cancer? I have too many breast cancer angels. I don’t even want to know the actual number because it makes me sick to my stomach. 

How dare I complain about how hard this is?! They don’t get to take their babies to kindergarten. These moms had the same prayers as me, why did my prayers get answered and theirs didn’t? It’s not fair. They should be here too. I do not deserve to feel like this. I should be thankful and grateful.

Gratitude

I am grateful. Grateful for answered prayers and having the ability to enjoy this special moment, but honestly, there’s some guilt here, too, because of my stage IV mamas. They are still saying the same prayers I did when I was pregnant. 

More Guilt

I don’t want it to get weird between me and my stage IV mamas. I probably shouldn’t be writing this article. Will it make them hate me? They probably feel the same way I feel about the “normal moms” at school. WTF. I just need to stop whining and compose myself so I can be present for my son.

It’s complicated

So what’s the answer? How do we fix this? The answer is, it’s complicated. Emotions are normal. It’s part of being human. Sometimes we have to just sit in our feelings, even when it doesn’t make us feel good.

Things that helped me

Prayer has helped. I have a “God Jar” and what I do is write a letter to God and tell Him all of my worries and frustrations. Then I fold it up and put it in the God Jar. He is strong enough to carry this weight and I do not have to worry about it anymore. 

Talk about it. Tell a trusted friend or loved one how you feel. They won’t have all the answers, but moral support can help you not feel so alone. 

How to Help a Friend

Do you know someone who has a kid starting school this year? Reach out and let them know you are thinking about them. I know they would be so grateful to know that you care and are thinking about them. I know I’m grateful for everyone who has reached out to me. 

If you need me, I’ll be crying with the normal moms, because they have feelings too.