The definition of active listening is “to make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated.”

I never thought this was something I had to learn, but it has been an invaluable tool that has helped me to be able to provide support to others in the breast cancer community in the best possible way.  

When I was going through treatment, I was visited many times by hospital volunteers who helped get me through difficult times. My hospital had a partnership with CanCare, an organization that provides free, voluntary, training to a community consisting of survivors from 75 different types of cancer whose purpose is to uplift and inspire cancer patients and caregivers through one-on-one support, empathy, and hope to ensure no one endures cancer alone.  I knew that when I “finished” with active treatment, this was something I wanted to do for others.

While breast cancer united us all, my needs as a Latina with a young family were not the same as a 75-year-old white woman with grown children. Our families were different, our cultures were different, and our needs as breast cancer patients were different. I wanted to fill the gap that I knew existed for others like me. 

Once you have completed the required 12 hours of CanCare training, you can elect to provide mentorship to those over the phone through a one-on-one relationship, or you can choose what I chose, to visit patients on the infusion floor of the hospital, visiting with them as they received treatment. I have always been very introverted, so I knew this would be a challenge.

What I did not anticipate was how much of an active listener I WASN’T. 

I could hold someone’s hand, hug someone, or always offer a smile, but I had to learn to let someone talk without trying to interject by offering opinions or solutions, to better show my support to them and empathy for what they were feeling.

Sounds easy, right? It isn’t.

One of the biggest no-no’s of active listening is talking about yourself. It is our natural inclination when talking to someone to relate our own experiences to theirs to build a connection.  We do not realize that this can have the opposite effect – when we talk about our own experiences to someone going through a difficult time, it can make them feel unimportant and ignored. I will give you the perfect example of how this is not beneficial: 

Person A: I’m starting chemo, and my job is being very difficult. I’m worried about not getting time off or possibly losing my job.

Person B: My job was wonderful to me, I’m sorry you’re going through this.  

Person C: That sounds tough. You must be feeling really upset. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. 

Which statement do you think best provides support to Person A?  Which statement would make you feel better, having someone say it to you?

Person B’s statement had the intention of letting Person A know that not all jobs can present tough situations for a cancer patient, but that is not how it came across. It comes off as dismissive to Person A’s feelings.

Person C’s statement acknowledges how Person A must be feeling without trying to solve anything, only providing an opportunity for Person A to vent.

Time and time again, I have seen this in breast cancer support groups – people make statements because they need support, only to hear/read someone say, “My experience with this was good even though yours was not.” This is not the thing to say when trying to be empathetic. 

This leads me to another aspect of active listening – trying to solve someone’s problems without them asking.

As a mother, it is in my nature to always try to fix things. I learned early on that when someone is frustrated or upset, they do not want anyone to fix anything. They just want someone who understands how they feel. Sometimes they just want a release, whether it be crying or yelling.

Do I always succeed in keeping my mouth shut? No. But I am always working and trying to improve being comfortable in silence while I listen to someone and not feel the need to fill every second of a conversation with what I feel is a solution. 

Another big thing to avoid is staying neutral and not offering an opinion as fact. Oftentimes, I see women posting online, asking for information about a surgery or medication. Instead of offering information and specifying what worked for you, people will respond with phrases like:

“I would never have that surgery, it’s dangerous.”

“That medication isn’t natural, it isn’t good for you.”

“I would never choose to go that route for treatment, I think it’s a bad choice.”

These phrases are not only hurtful, but they add more fear to an already scary and difficult situation. Whenever someone asks for information, give them just that, not your judgment or opinion. 

Paraphrasing and asking questions during a conversation is a guaranteed way to make someone feel that you are fully engaged and listening.  Some examples of this would be:

I’m so upset, my job is being very difficult with me taking time off from chemo. What exactly did they say?

They said that my performance would suffer, even though I said I could work from home. Wow. Even after giving them a solution of you working from home, they still gave you a tough time?

I can’t believe I’ve been a faithful employee and they’re treating me this way.  It sounds like you feel let down that they can’t be more accommodating for you after all the years of work you’ve put in for them. 

In this conversation, the statements in italics are basically mirroring what has already been said. Repeating through paraphrasing and asking questions during a conversation lets the speaker know you are listening (which helps build a trustful relationship) and helps you fully absorb what they are saying. 

Being an active listener takes work, just as learning a new language or beginning an exercise routine.  The best way to begin would be to put yourself in the speaker’s shoes – how would you feel if you were in their situation? What would you want someone to do for and say to you? 

Seeing things from someone else’s perspective will always help you when you are trying to provide support and empathy towards someone. Always be aware of the conversation – what does their face show? How is the tone of their voice? Is there a deeper issue at work, other than what they are saying?

I am grateful for my CanCare training because it is helped me be a better listener and a better friend. I love being able to provide emotional support to someone when they need it most. I encourage you to do the same! And if you are in the TX, GA, or CO area, check out CanCare.org for information on becoming a volunteer. 

*Here are some basic tips to practice active listening:

1. Make eye contact while the person speaks.
2. Paraphrase what has been said.
3. Don’t interrupt while the other person is speaking.
4. Watch nonverbal behavior.
5. Shut down your internal dialogue.
6. Show interest by asking questions.
7. Avoid abruptly changing the subject.
8. Be open, neutral, and withhold judgment.
9. Be patient.

*https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343