Originally published in Wildfire Magazine, The Social Issue December 2019/ January 2020

I have always been an introvert.

I was content (or so I thought) to be on the sidelines, always too afraid to try anything new. I never did anything alone. Ten years of being a stay-at-home mom didn’t add any motivation to change my perspective either. Enter my breast cancer diagnosis in the fall of 2016 — this was the catalyst I needed to make a serious change.

I was fortunate to have good insurance, which allowed me to be treated at what I considered to be a “fancy” hospital. I noticed very early on in my treatment that I was different than a lot of the other cancer patients – my age, my skin, my home life, and my background. While some folks visited with each other in the waiting area, I stayed to myself.

I felt… odd.

I felt out of place.

I felt like I stuck out, when all I wanted to do was fade into the background.

I remember one of my first visits with my nurse navigator. She gave me a big book, one of the older Young Survival Coalition (YSC) organizer types, and wrote a name and phone number on it. “Call this young lady. I think she would be good to talk to,” she said. I remember thinking, “Why in the world would I call a stranger just to cry?”

The thought of reaching out to someone I didn’t know and exposing my feelings was terrifying. I looked at the book, looked at the name and number, and then shoved it all under my bed and out of the way. I started to notice that my hospital put on a lot of casual events for cancer patients, in particular, yoga classes My nurse navigator ever so gently nudged me to attend. I had never taken a real yoga class, but I’d always wanted to.

I also didn’t want to go alone – who would I talk to?

Where would I sit?

Would everyone have their head covered?

Or would I have to take mine off?

I was scared, so scared of going alone. Of being alone. But my curiosity won over my social anxiety and I decided to go.

I can remember how I felt even now, three years later, so clearly. I arrived at the studio. I saw my nurse navigator and breathed a sigh of relief, because at least I knew her. I took my shoes off and walked into the room. I saw a few ladies sitting, spread throughout the room but then I see someone Hispanic. It was at this very moment I realized that I desperately wanted another Latina to connect to. And she was young! I sat quietly to her left, hoping that she would start a conversation with me.

Little by little the room filled up. The woman to my left started to talk to me. Light pleasantries at first, then questions about treatment. “What stage are you?” she asked. “What’s your type of breast cancer?” I was still so new to the game I didn’t know any of the lingo, didn’t know what to say or how to answer her. She was very kind when I explained that I wasn’t sure. She made me feel at ease. She told me her name was Ami. I latched on to her instantly. And she didn’t mind, for which I was grateful.

After the class was over, everyone mingled and got to know each other a little. I found out the young Latina was a long-term survivor. She said that she was with a group that offered events for young women with breast cancer. All I had to do was download an app and then I’d be in the know. “A group solely for young women? How awesome is that!” I thought. I knew once I got home it would be the first thing I would do.

As Ami and I talked, I found out that she was almost a year ahead of me and had had a similar treatment plan. We talked about DIEP flap surgery. She was happy to show me her scars. This was the first time a woman I didn’t know would expose part of her body to me – little did I know that I’d see a lot more and even become comfortable and accustomed to it in the years to come! She casually asked if I wanted to exchange numbers and I happily agreed.

I will never forget the feeling I had that day, driving home after the yoga class. I was so happy! It was the first time since I’d started treatment that I felt real joy. I remember driving with my windows down and the radio blaring.

I felt invigorated. I felt inspired. I felt SEEN.

I had never been in a situation where I was surrounded by so many kick ass women. They had all been through what I was going through, and that was powerful for me.

Everyone had been willing to share. Everyone was open. I knew that this was what I needed. This was a turning point for me.

I started with baby steps, attending events here and there. I became more comfortable going places alone. I started to see some of the same people in different places. And once I met someone, they’d introduce me to their friends, making my circle just a little bit bigger. Before long I realized I’d surrounded myself with my sisters – women who were in the minority like me, women who had similar interests and backgrounds, women who looked like me. They were powerful, amazing women who accepted me and encouraged me. I would not be where I am had I not had these women in my corner. They are my strength, and more importantly, my friends.

All of these situations have brought me where I am today. I’m not anxious to go places alone. I talk to strangers!

I’ve learned to make small talk in elevators. I actually have girlfriends that I have fun with, whether we’re at a conference or a cookout. I’ve made some amazing connections with people, some who are so completely different to me that in the past I would’ve never thought possible. I’ve opened myself up to new experiences. I got up on stage at a karaoke bar for the first time ever! And I did this all with a smile on my face and friends by my side.

Having breast cancer took a big chunk of my life away. But I was able to take something from it.

I learned that to get through this, to get through life in general, you need support.

You need friendships.

If you want it, much like anything in life, you have to go get it. Sitting at home alone isn’t going to be where you find it.

You have to put yourself out there, pray, make an intention, whatever you want to call it.

I’m so glad I did. I am changed for the better for it.