The worst phone call I received in the last year was not the one confirming my breast biopsy was positive for cancer, it was the call that came a few weeks later with the results of my lymph node dissection. My nurse navigator broke the bad news, 3 out of 5 nodes were positive.

But… I was stage I, the tumor was tiny, my breasts were tiny. I was supposed to have a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. No chemo, no radiation – easy peasy.

This was not supposed to happen.

The crushing part of my diagnosis was not that I would need to undergo chemotherapy and radiation, although that didn’t exactly make me jump for joy, it was my plastic surgeon would not do immediate reconstruction because I needed to undergo radiation.

I’ve since learned this is a bit controversial. Some surgeons will do immediate reconstruction prior to radiation, but all of the surgeons in my network recommended waiting until after radiation for best results.

Out the window went all of my inner musings and fantasies of finally getting a chance to have some bigger boobies – as a less endowed woman, I’ve been a bit insecure about my size most of my life, but this was a whole other ball game, going from small breasted to no breasted.

After my double mastectomy, I prepared myself to be horrified by the results. To look disfigured, to feel maimed, to throw myself hysterically to the ground.

And I did experience most of those emotions.

I was uncomfortable touching my chest and dealing with the drains, but I always made myself look. I watched the bruising and swelling go down and acknowledged that I was not just flat, my chest was concave.

This was going to be my body for a while, and I needed to learn how to live with it, even if I couldn’t love it.

I joined online and in-person support groups. I was looking for other women like me, who were still flat. I scoured the internet, looking for photos of other women, trying to relate somehow and feel a little more normal. I tried wearing prosthetic breast forms, but didn’t feel comfortable with them. I had visions of being a middle schooler, stuffing a bra with socks. It felt so absurd to try and fake it when I was bald and exhausted all the time anyway.

I looked for fashion tips on how to dress my new body, but most of what I saw was for the over 60 set, nothing that I could generously call fashionable. People asked me when I was going to have reconstructive surgery in casual conversation, like it was a given and I really didn’t have the option to stay flat.

Eventually, I found a small tribe of other women who were also flat. Some by circumstance like me and some by choice. To see and speak with other women that looked like me, that shared similar scars (both mentally and physically) was validating, and also made me question my need for reconstruction. The thought of additional surgeries was not thrilling either.

I stopped worrying about disguising my new body.

I was fighting cancer and I got to dress however I wanted, no matter who it made uncomfortable.

I experimented with the clothes I already owned, low cut, snug and sexy were not off limits. There were only a few items in my closet that I could honestly say I would never wear again (darts do not work on a flat body!)

I just passed the one-year anniversary of my initial diagnosis, and I can confidently say that I am no longer interested in pursuing reconstruction. I completed active treatment a few months ago and now feel how strong my body really is, and my scars are a badge. I am still learning how to dress my new shape, but I’m having a lot of fun experimenting with styles I wouldn’t have thought to try before.

I decided to be very frank about how my body looks and feels after treatment. This body got me through cancer, and I am proud of it. By being vocal and sharing my story and images I hope that surgery without reconstruction becomes less of an outlier, and more of a viable choice for young women.

For many people recently diagnosed, elective surgeries, including reconstructive surgery, have been put on hold. While I know that choosing to stay flat is not for everyone, I do want to let others know that foregoing reconstruction is valid and okay. Don’t feel pressured by your doctors, family or friends to opt for reconstruction, it is your choice, you will be beautiful regardless.