People often tell me how much they admire my strength and self-confidence.

What people are not aware of is that the strength they see was not by choice but rather forced by circumstance and the confidence they see has a love-hate history behind it.

I never considered myself beautiful let alone sexy growing up. It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I finally felt beautiful and sexy. However, there were two things I always loved about my body: my legs and my breasts.

I got married when I was 30 years old and everything seemed great. Lingerie and sexy bras were a big part of my wardrobe.

At the beginning of 2019, I found out I was pregnant. Everything looked fine, but I ended up miscarrying. It hurt and it was very difficult, but there was an explanation for it and I knew I would be fine. However, I noticed that my right breast was not the same. My doctor was not too worried about it. It was not until I became pregnant for the second time later that same year that my doctor decided that we should do an ultrasound of my breast just to be sure everything was fine. 

Long story short, I found out I had cancer and ended up miscarrying again.

However, this time there were no explanations. There was no explanation for my miscarriage nor for my cancer.

All I knew was my body was failing me.

That my beautiful breasts were going to be removed and I would never be the same. In order to save my life, I was going to have to give up one of the parts of me I had always loved.

Everything moved so fast I didn’t get to mourn my pregnancy nor the fact I would be losing my breasts. I decided to have a very aggressive mastectomy that would not allow for reconstruction on the right side but decided to keep my left healthy breast to maybe breastfeed someday. 

I came out of surgery feeling good about my decision. I remember looking at my bandage and being okay seeing my right side flat. But I will never forget the first time I saw my scar. I fell flat on the bathroom floor and cried.

I cried for my baby.

For my breast.

For my life.

I stayed on the floor held by my husband and with my mother on the door frame for about an hour. I eventually wiped the tears from my face and got my head back in the game.

After all, what other choice did I have? Chemo was around the corner.

I slowly became comfortable with my scar but did not feel “normal” having one breast. I hated the prosthesis, my clothes didn’t fit right, and I had three bras to fit in my prosthesis. Throughout that time I couldn’t get myself to clean out my closet and get rid of all my lingerie and bras. I thought to myself I could never be as sexy again. I would wear t-shirts to sleep because how ridiculous would I look with anything sexy?

This year, we found abnormalities in my left breast. My doctor said it was not cancer and let me know we could monitor, especially given that I don’t have the gene.

But I was not taking any chances.

My left breast would go on my terms. This time around, I got to say goodbye to my beautiful left breast. I was ready to be flat. My surgeon did a wonderful job giving me beautiful scars and a perfectly flat chest. This time around I saw my scar and thought to myself, “Hey, now I can wear real cleavage that would not look as great in my old C cups.” 

I went from being a “C” cup to being a fabulous “F” (flat).

I decided I would learn to love myself again. To appreciate everything my body does for me and to embrace being sexy in my new body. I finally found the strength to say goodbye to my clothes, bras, and lingerie.

Once my scars healed, I decided I would show off my scars and wear them with pride. They will forever be a reminder that I am a survivor, that true beauty comes from within, and that sexy is an attitude.

I decided I would let my scars create awareness. Awareness that breast cancer can happen to anyone, that being beautiful and sexy is a matter of the attitude we take and what we make of it, and that we can learn to love ourselves, but it doesn’t mean it will be an easy journey for everyone.

I finally feel sexy and beautiful again. I have become comfortable and accepting of my scars and I’m finally falling in love with myself again.

**My photo credit goes to Missy Peters from Breast Cancer Portrait Project**