Originally published in Wildfire Magazine, The Social Issue December 2019/ January 2020

When breast cancer comes knocking at your door, one of the first things your medical team suggests to you is “you should join a support group; we know many!”

But if you’re anything like me: angry, confused, hurt and scared by this diagnosis, the last thing you want to do is sit in a circle and talk about your problems; oh, and how you feel about cancer.

On the outside, I looked strong to others, but inside, I was struggling!

Trying to figure out how to not only navigate this breast cancer diagnosis, but also find someone who I could relate to. Someone who was raw and honest with their breast cancer experience, not sugar coating shit, the way breast cancer really is. I just wasn’t ready to talk face-to-face with anyone about it because I felt ashamed.

One night, during a steroids high, you know the kind you have from all the medications your doctor gives you to “hopefully” ward off side effects, I decided to search the hashtag #breastcancer on Instagram to see what I could find. Now, this hashtag can either be a wealth of knowledge or information overload… pick your poison! You will find women going through treatment, plastic surgeons showcasing their work (Heeeey Dr. Miami), research articles, wig companies, you name it. Again, pick your poison and proceed with caution.

I happened to stumble across a fellow breast cancer survivors Instagram page where she made a post asking women a certain question. I decided to read the comments, hoping to connect with someone, anyone! A lot of the women who commented had a private page, like myself, and who was I to judge? I mean, I get it.

Why put yourself out there to be vulnerable, especially with a disease like cancer, when you’re still trying to figure it out yourself?

A certain young woman named Cristina-Liz caught my attention for whatever reason on this post. I went to her page and thankfully it was public. She had a husband, two young boys and was diagnosed around the same time as myself. I got up the courage (had to be the steroids) to send her a direct message, saying hi and the one thing that I made sure to say was “there are days I’m not sure I can make it but I push through.”

Cristina replied acknowledging the anguish I was experiencing and agreeing that she too was dealing with the same issues. She explained how she hadn’t met anyone younger than 50 so she was happy I had reached out. I think we both realized, because of our cultural backgrounds, it was hard at the time to find someone within our age group and how much we needed each other. Going through cancer treatment can be a lonely place and depression had set in for me.

From that day in April 2016, a lifelong friendship was formed. We talked everyday, mostly via text because, as best friends know, sometimes a phone call wasn’t needed. When anything happened in my life, Cristina was the first to know. And, if one of us found a breast cancer survivor on Instagram, we made sure to tell the other so they could follow them as well.

“Did you see the young woman who was just diagnosed and she’s pregnant?”

“I found this 26-year-old who was just diagnosed and she seems hella cool! Go follow her now!”

This was our way of developing our own community for ourselves. What Cristina and I found out is that, around this time, a lot of women were doing the same. Following other breast cancer survivors online, in particular on Instagram, building friendships, sharing tips and tricks, just like we did. Building a community and keeping in touch virtually, hoping one day to meet in person, but OK if that didn’t happen. We are the generation that understands information is at our fingertips and the fastest way to “make some noise,” if you will, or distribute, is online.

By June of 2016, Cristina and I both finished chemo a week apart and we made a plan to meet each other in July. Summer passed and school started for our kids. We continued to laugh about life mixed with breast cancer side effects.

“What do you do when your kid comes home at 9pm saying he needs football cleats for practice tomorrow?” You run to the store but you don’t put on a bra because you’re hot flashing and hope you don’t scare away the children with your bald sweaty head plus one floppy boob.”

“You ever have moments where you forget you have breast cancer, then something happens and it slaps you in the face like ‘hey there bitch’.”

Fast forward to May 2017, Cristina developed a cough she couldn’t get rid of and her oncologists kept saying it was because she picked up a cold from the kids and nothing to worry about. She would remark to me that my doctors must be overprotective because they saw me every three months, where her doctors still hadn’t scanned her after treatment. I urged her to go to the doctor and finally in July she went to the ER and was told that her breast cancer had metastasized to her lungs.

As time passed, Cristina re-entered treatment but the way this cancer ravaged her body was nothing pretty. It is something I wish no one has to experience, not only as a patient but as a co-survivor too. When Cristina told me the cancer had spread to her brain, I knew I had to go see her…‘just in case’.

When I returned home, one of the last conversations we had, Cristina said, “I know we both don’t want to say it, but I’m glad you came to see me one last time.” Cristina left this earth a few weeks after my visit. I’m thankful for our time together as it taught me a lot. Most of all, she taught me to talk about my experience and be a friend/advocate to other women who have unfortunately joined this club.

The beautiful thing about social media now compared to when I was going through treatment in 2016 is more and more women, especially women of color (Hispanic, Asian, African-American, Middle Eastern, etc) are opening up about their breast cancer experience.

I hate that everywhere I turn, another young woman is diagnosed, again! But my hope is that as we collectively tell our stories, and champion for research we will see less women dying and more of us surviving.

I’ve learned during this process, everyday I gain and meet some amazing friends.

And although we may leave each other for whatever reason, I wouldn’t change a thing!